Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes!

Unknown Brain 1260

duck walks into a bar and says "excuse me mate, you got any bread?"
barman says "no mate i havent mate, we dont sell it im afraid"
the duck leaves, a little bit hungrier.
the next day the duck walks in again."scuse me mate, got any bread?"
barman says " mate, i told you yesterday we dont sell bread!"
so again, the duck leaves....
the next day the duck walks into the bar "scuse me mate, got any bread?"
now the barman is pissed at the duck..... "I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY, WE DONT SELL BREAD! IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK FOR IT IM GONNA HAMMER YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!"
the duck leaves, deeply saddened by the response.... but...
the next day, the duck walks into the bar " scuse me mate, got any nails?"
barman says "no mate, we dont sell nails"
the duck says, "nice one, got any bread?.......................

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Jerome Tomaselli 2286

I love the Tides in the Ocean question ! OK here goes...

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar, the monkey goes over to the pool table picks up a ball and swallows it.

The Bartender says " Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did ? get him outta here !"

The next night the guy comes back with the monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar, the monkey takes a peanut from the bowl on the bar, sticks it in his butt and then eats it !

The bartender says " Hey what the hell ! Did you see what youre monkey just did ? Thats disgusting ."

The guy says to the bartender " After the other night, he measures everything first."

Jeff Hagger 2182

A man goes on a vacation to China, where he carelessly engages in unprotected sex with prostitutes. Upon returning home, a week later he discovers his genitals are covered with small green spots. In a panic, he rushes to his doctor's office. He shows his doctor his problem, to which his doctor exclaims "Oh dear, you have contracted Mongolian VD"
"OK, so how do I get rid of it?" the man asks.
"I am afraid there is no cure. We must schedule surgery right away and amputate the infected part before it spreads!" The doctor replies.
Alarmed, the man flees the office, rushes home, and starts searching the phone book for another doctor for a second opinion. He finally settles on a Dr. Wong, thinking that a Chinese doctor will know how to cure this disease. He schedules an appointment and heads to Dr. Wongs office.
At his appointment, he shows Dr. Wong his problem, and the doctor immediately confirms the other doctors diagnosis. "Oh, you have Mongorian VD ... Vewy Sewious"
"Well can you cure it?" The man asks. "My doctor said he had to perform surgery and amputate!"
Dr. Wong laughs. "Ah, American Doctors! Arways want to opewate. Make more money! No, no! No need surgewy!~"
Relieved, the man says "Oh that's great news! So how do I get rid of it?"
"No surgewy!" Replies Dr. Wong. "Wait 2 weeks, it fall off by itself!"

(Hard to imitate the Chinese accent with type, but it makes the joke sound hilarious audibly ;-))

Aaron Young 2263

A friend told me this one.

So a guy has five hundred bucks and he's looking to buy a motorcycle. He's talking to a dealer and seeing all these really nice bikes, but he knows he can't afford any of them, so he says to the dealer, "I only have $500, can I buy anything with that?"
The dealer nods and takes him out back where there are about thirty bikes laying around. The dealer shows him all the bikes, some are missing parts, some are really beat up, some rusted, none of them are worth buying. Just when the dealer is showing the last bike the guy says, "Well, what about this one?" and points to a brand new looking motorcycle.
The dealer says, "That one works fine, but there's a catch to it."
The guy asks, "What's the catch?"
The dealer replies, "Well, every time it rains, you have to grease it up with petroleum jelly, otherwise it won't run and it will rust instantly."
The guy weighs his options, and buys the motorcycle, the dealer even gives him some petroleum jelly for free.

So the guy is riding his bike home, psyched about having it, then he sees a decent looking chick walking down the road. He stops and offers her a ride home. They get to her place and the girl offers him some dinner, the guy refuses, but the girl insists. So the guy parks his motorcycle in the driveway, and heads inside. When he gets inside he hears voices in the kitchen. The girl shows him into the dining room, where the girl's younger sister is setting the table. The guy and the girl sit down at the table and he is introduced to the younger sister and then she says, "This is a special meal for our family. After the table is set and everyone is seated, the first person to talk during the meal has to do the dishes, and nobody is allowed to leave the room until someone says something."
Now the guy doesn't want to be a jerk, so he thinks to himself, "Well, I'll say something first and so the dishes." He looks over at the kitchen sink to see how bad the dishes are... the family has dishes piled up so that about a third of the kitchen is filled with dishes. The guy plans his escape, but all of the sudden the family sits down and they begin eating. The guy decides to stay and just wait it out, so he joins them in eating.
This was a feast of a meal, turkey, roast beef, corn, gravy, roasted vegetables, scalloped potatoes, and cherry pie for desert. Everybody takes their time eating and the only sound heard from the table is the mashing of jaws and clinking of silverware and plates. After everyone finishes their last piece of cherry pie, they sit and wait. Now there was no noise at all. They pass around and finish a bottle of red wine, but still no one says anything, no one even coughs or sneezes, in fact you couldn't even hear anyone breathe.
After about an hour of sitting quietly, the guy devises a plan. He stands up and walks over to the girl, strips her naked, lays her on the floor, and screws her. He does this right in front of everybody, the younger sister, the mother, and the father. Nobody says a word. The guy thinks some more. He walks over to the younger sister, strips her down and screws her right on the dining room table. Nobody says a word. So the guy walks over to the mother and does the same thing. Still nobody says anything. However, just at that moment the guy hears the pitter-patter of rain drops on the windowpanes, so he pulls the jar of petroleum jelly out of his pocket and walks around the table to the front door. The father then says, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the dishes!"

Torri Phillips 1527

A guy goes into the Doctors office and is in the waiting room. The nurse asks "what is wrong" He replys, "There is something wrong with my Penis." The nurse gets very irritated and tells the man, "There are kids in this office, we do not use names like that, please use a different name for that." So she asks the man again, "What is wrong", and he tells her, "there is something wrong with my ear." "Okay, she says, and what is wrong with it?" The man replys, "I can't Pee out of it!"

Bennett Welch 2327

I love the bar jokes, here are a few good ones...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He sits by a pretty girls and asks, "So, do I come here often?"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A magician walks into an alley and turns into a bar!

haha good stuff!

Jessie St Amand 2400

What's worse than finding an apple with a worm in it?
The Holocaust.

Unknown Brain 1892

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month. Gnuk gnuk gnuk gnuk. (FYI... im stopping there, as that's the "tamest" one I could think of).

Jim Williams 2367

Here are a few.....

1. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want...........So he tied her up and went golfing.

2. A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring."Yeah right!" she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring. As usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.He shakes his head, looks at the dog, and whispers, "I don't know where we were . or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place."

3.One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the Farmer. She read "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the Farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 mins.

4. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her Father. she stands next to the barber chair, while her Dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, your going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and i'm gonna get boobs, too"

ok last one...... yell if ya want more...... :D

5. The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything,I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
“How long will this take?” I asked. “They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger
over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

Hope y'all laughed as much as I did!!!!! :D

Jessie St Amand 2400

What did Samuel L. Jackson say at the Harry Potter Convention?
"I'm getting sick and tired of all these motherfucking Snapes."