'It is too warm to wear clothes today' says Eric when he comes out of the bathroom. 'Darling, what do you think the neighbours will think if I cut the lawn naked?' 'That I married you because of your money', she answers...
Man comes to a friend and he is amazed by the picture he see. He has a big house, new big nice car and a tennis court near house on which Nadal and Federer play tennis. He ask his friend: "How?"
He show him a golden fish he caught fishing on the river and say it is a magic one and grants him a wishes if he keep her well. Man ask: "Can you borrow me a fish for a day or two?". Friend responds to him : "Sure but please have in mind that fish is old and doesn't hear very well anymore.". Man said OK and take the fish home.
When he get home he place the fish tank to a desk and say slowly to a fish : "I want a million bucks!" and he goes to sleep.
Next morning terrible noise awakens him and he got up and see million ducks in and around his estate. He picks up his phone and call his friend to complain. Hearing his story his friend respond :"Didn't I told you that fish is a little deaf ... or do you really think that I wanted BIG TENNIS?"
I had to translate a joke and change a parts making him little less dirty but more politically correct and polite.
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up in the back of the enlisted mens' barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was zipping up his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms called "Olympic." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he mentions the purchase he just made to his wife. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
This priest is singing hymns when he thinks he hears some swearing behind a side wall. He isn't really perturbed and ignores it but decides to keep his ears open just in case it might occur again. Not a minute passes and he can distinctly make out the words "Fuck how could I be so inaccurate!" coming from behind that wall there. He decides to go and check it out. He comes around outside and finds this young boy playing marbles. He reaches there and sees the boy miss hitting a distant marble with the one he flew with his finger and yell "Fuck how could I be so inaccurate!". The priest is quite annoyed, "You boy! This is a holy place of worship here! I don't want any swearing around the area!". The boy shakes his head and gets back to playing. The priest speaks again, "I know you didn't care what I said. If you don't listen to me, I shall curse you!". The boy misses another shot and goes "Fuck how could I be so inaccurate!". The priest gets outraged, "I curse you in the name of God in the sky above that if you swear once again, a bolt of lightning shall strike you!". The boy misses another shot and goes yet again, "Fuck how could I be so inaccurate!". A bolt of lightning strikes the priest. A voice comes from the sky above, "Fuck how could I be so inaccurate!".
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her. OR
Give her a sandpaper dildo.OR
Kick her in the cunt.
A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."
Not so much the dirtiest as my favorite--and it's pretty old buuuuut I have to repeat it anyway. Sorray!
Guy walks into a bar and asks if they have any women for "companionship." Owner says "Nah, not really, all we got is Old Pete" and points to an old man standing in a corner. Guy responds "No shit--Old Pete is your ONLY whore?" Owner says "Yup. He's all we got."
Finally the customer guy decides he's desperate enough to ask: "Look, let's say I took you up on Old Pete--exactly how many people would ever know about it?"
Owner thinks for a moment, and says, "Seven. Seven people would know. No one else."
Customer said. "Seven?! The hell are you talking about?"
Owner patiently explains, counting on his fingers, "Well, there's you. And me. And Old Pete. And the four guys that gotta hold him down."
Bob desperately needed to get laid. He went to the nearest whore and asked what he could get for five dollars, she looked at him and laughed as she walked away. He walked a block more saw another whore and asked what he could get for $5. She looked him up and down and laughed as she walked away. He decided to go to one last whore. She was absolutely beautiful, with the most amazing body with a nice rack and smelled great. He knew he had no chance but asked anyway. "What can I get for $5?" Bob asked shyly.
"Anything you want." said the whore.
He had his was with her and had the most amazing orgasm he ever had in his life. He paid the $5 and left. The next morning Bob went to the clinic and found out that he had crabs. He went to the whore and said,
"Bitch you gave me crabs!" Exclaimed Bob.
The whore looked at him and slyly replied, "What did you expect for $5? Lobster?
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