Missing a parent?

Amy Beard 1277

I believe that it's best to be open and honest with the child from the very begining - or at least as soon as they are old enough to grasp the concept. The situation should actually be a bit easier to discuss if the parent has passed away - the child won't be left wondering if it was his/her fault that Mommy left.

My parents divorced when I was less than a year old. My father left and wasn't heard from again. My mother re-married when I was about three-years-old, and I always knew the facts. While it was difficult at times, I never felt betrayed ot lied to. I saw my step-father as my real dad, since he's the one who cared for me and raised me.

Bottom line: honesty is best.

Sunny Carmel Show New Brain

Having feelings of being betrayed would be one of the first feelings. Then a feeling of abandonment by the biological mother even though she died would come. Perhaps a feeling of not belonging would be present because you were not IN ON THE TRUTH that the man and woman who lived with you had that directly affected you. A feeling of loss and grief would be probable. Anger would definitely be present, if not, that would mean it would come along later. It is well documented in writings of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief she believed to be present when a profound loss is experience. http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

As far as the right time to address adoption issues with a child depends on the stability of the adopted parents. It would be advised that they seek professional counseling to address this issue so that they would come from a position of strength, peace, love, and nurturance. The adoptive parents attitude is everything to the child so a positive attitude and sense of not making anyone wrong is important for the child to feel acceptance of her or himself when made aware of their adoption.

Jim Williams 2367

That is a tough one Sarah. I wouldn't say there is never a right time only that the parents, paticularily the Father, should always be ready to have the talk. I also believe that it should be early enough in a childs life that they can understand and accept without feeling resentful to their Parents for leaving it too long.

Both Parents certainly love the child and will want the best for them. They will find it diifficult to address this and many tend to delay this untill it becomes a "too late to understand" scenario. If I knew that a child were adopted and that they were not aware I would talk to the Parents and encourage them to let the child know as early as possible. The child has the right to know who their birth Mother is and allow them to deal with it in their own way. It will bring many hurtfull feelings back to the surface for the Father and this would hopefully be a special bonding and healing experience that both will treasure indefinity.

I tried to put myself in the childs position to attempt an understanding of how I would feel. Having lost my Mother at the age of 9 I remember her but, younger siblings do not. They know who their birth Mother is and have accepted and Love their "Mother figure". Having attempted this I still could not imagine the pain and diffuculty of anyone involved.

If this is in regards to someone you know....be supportive. If this is about yourself....be understanding. I can't imagine that there would ever be an intent to decieve only a fear of the hurt and how it may effect the child.

~~ Jim ~~

Sarn Murray 1272

There is never gonna be a right time. A child needs love,to feel safe,warm,fed,cared for and part of a family however that family structure is made up of. The important thing is that the child grows up,feeling part of your family,belonging, and if he feels this he or she should be okay.Of coarse,to speak about family structure is good as a first step, talk about all different kinds of families, one parent,two parents,same sex parents,grandparents as parents, aunties and uncles as parents,etc then go from there. Just because you didnt give birlth to a child doesnt mean you havent been their parent, you gave all the required things a parent should give so therefore the child will know and value this..........

Ortal Kricheli New Brain

i don't think there's ever a right time to tell your kid that his mom isn't his real mom.
even if you think he will take it well it still hurts him in a way that you can't realy understand.
but you have to tell him even if it hurts,and he will understand eventually.

Pia Saracho 1224

Adoption issue should be dealt as a normal subject in a home, growing up with what is pretty normal is the best way to ever live it. Same goes for death subjects, the more you handle it with maturness and openess the easiest it is to deal with it, no to taboos, yes to truth as it shall set you free.

Jen Lehmann 1370

I was adopted when I was about 6 years old. For me it was a tough transition as my "parents" expected me to suddenly call them mom and dad after my adoption was final. However, I had an open adoption and was able to keep in touch with bio-mom. In your situation it is different. The child never new (or was really young) when mom passed. So, girlfriend is now mom. I think that you are the only ones who know for sure that this child is ready to understand the truth. It will help if the child has a picture of mom, or something, so that they don't feel that you are hiding her existance from them. But, in the grand scheme of life...girlfriend is mom...biology doesn't make you a mom, life does.

Stas Urban 2168

well i have both my parents but they are married to other people.I never knew my father much and never had a male role model in my life.About 5 years ago my mother met this guy ,and to me it was just like every other guy-like a dirty pair of underwear you need to change after you tried them on.But 3 years had passed and he grew on me and i was the best man in their wedding and he has made me a beter person because he tried to be a role model.No matter who you are or what the situation may be that child will always remember who their real mother is .but if you show love and help the child become a stronger person when it comes to dealing with their issues you will be who they turn to when times get rough.

Stick with your situation- i got the jist of what was going on from a previous question and times will be rough until he learns you will be there for him when he truely needs you. Also give him space until he warms up to the fact that you are not just a fling, and you are there to stay an be a possative role model.

Deon Williams 1212

They should now that th e term mother and father are not defined by the person who simply gave birth to them but by the person or persons who loved and rasied them

Roslyn Sharpe 1236

there is never a really good time to address adoption issues with a child, but always wait til their old enough to understand it all though,