How many previous sex partners is too many?

Katherine Bourgerie 2229

I believe there are many considerations in this particular situation. It sounds as if she was not only dealing with being bi-polar but may also have had issues in relation to her own self worth and sought to find acceptance on both an emotional and physical level through sexual activity. Perhaps having been rejected by someone important in her life at an early age also plays a part in her behavior. Once again she may have been looking to dispel feeling of low self esteem . Her age at the time also impacts the decisions she made as she was coming into her own sexuality.There are so many variables that any answer to this question would not be 100% accurate. As for your relationship now, I don't think that her sexual encounters should play any part in your decision to see her as long as you maintain an open and honest line of communication from this day forward. Even though her physical encounters should remain where they belong in the past, her emotional outlook may be something she still struggles with and you need to be available with an open mind to discuss those issues., just as she should be aware and compassionate to any feelings you have on the subject. Remember a relationship is a two way street. Your own feelings in regards to this should be as important to her as hers are to you. . We all have pasts and if you care for someone you accept them completely. You accept who they were in the past as that shapes who they have become.

Unknown Brain 1830

Well, the way I see it, there are three main considerations when it comes to women who have had a lot of sexual partners.

First and foremost- Is she clean? I would assume that this is the case, hopefully. If she was truly with as many guys as she claimed, and never once got tested for STDs, and then slept with you without telling you all this beforehand, then it would be something to be upset about. However, as you have pointed out, she was tested and does not carry any, so this is a moot point.

The second consideration is largely a misconception- the 'quality' of the vagina. People tend to think that Having sex with a large number of partners makes the vagina 'looser,' but this is rarely, if ever, the case. The vaginal tissue is extremely elastic and is able to stretch to accomodate childbirth. Sexual intercourse, so long as their is proper lubrication (natural or otherwise) is simply incapable of reducing that elasticity. Some vaginas are simply larger in their normal state than others are. As I've stated, this is a misconception anyway, and as you've stated, the sex is great, so there is nothing to worry about.


The final consideration has to do with the value you place on sex. If you believe in sex outside of relationships or not. That one is up to you really, but consider this: It was in the past. Whether she considers it a mistake or not doesn't really matter- it doesn't change what has already happened. She can't 'delete' sexual partners from history even if she wants to.

So I suppose I should answer the questions specifically.
Should you be angry? I would say no to this. Anger implies that you have been personally harmed by this. It would seem that you mean a lot to her, and as stated she was mentally unstable and unmedicated at the time, and did not know you.

Should you be disgusted or offended? I don't believe so. I mean, when it comes down to it, what is the breaking point between "ok" and "too much" anyway? I assume you don't expect a girl to be a virgin. So 1 is ok. So if 1 is ok, why not 2? If 2 is ok, why not 3? You can see where I'm going with this. Since there is a perception that there is such a thing as 'too many,' it would stand to reason that there would be a threshold defining 'too many.' And if you're one under that threshold and fine, does one more really need to make a difference?

Should you be jealous? It doesn't seem like those guys meant anything to her. You do. If anything, they should be jealous of you.


That being said- how you feel isn't something you can control. But if you honestly care for this girl, I'd say it'd be a shame for something as arbitrary as some number ruin things, when it obviously hasn't resulted in the few bad possibilities I've mentioned.

John Supp 2272

one

Rachel Golden 2191

Okay here's the part that gets me:
120-150 sounds like a ridiculous number but if you consider that it was over a period of 7 years that's about 20 guys per year, or a little less than 2 per month. That makes it seem slightly more acceptable I guess.

20 guys a month??? I've been with 6 people in the past 8 years that I've been having sex... but I guess that's just me.

Now, to answer your first part of the question. No you shouldn't be offended... this wasn't something that she did to hurt you, and you shouldn't' be jealous because she is with you now... not any of those guys. You could be a bit upset that she didn't tell you sooner, but also be understanding about why she didn't tell you. At least she told you, which I'm sure wasn't easy for her...so whether you are disgusted or not, you should be grateful for her honesty. You can't really ask whether or not you should be disgusted, because really that's a feeling that is going to happen on instinct. Personally? I'd be disgusted, but you and I are different people. You have to look at how much you care about her, how well you know her, in order to assess whether you should hang on to your disgust and abandon her. Normally, in a case like this, I'd say leave just for the health risks, but if you are CERTAIN she has no STD's then thats not a problem. Just be careful, because it seems unlikely that someone who has had so many partners can be disease free. She may be too afraid to tell you the truth about that. I don't think that her past actions are disrespectful to you either, since they were committed before you came into the picture. She did not commit these actions to victimize you, however, they are pretty careless in regards to the health of herself and her future partners. The only thing I would say in terms of disrespect, is to make sure that she is with you for a relationship and not just sex. Do you love her? Do you share a special connection with her that will hard to replace? Do you want a future with her? Do you think she's a good person regardless of the bad choices she's made? Can you look at her the same? These are questions that should help determine whether or not you stay with her. Only you can answer them.


Now, in regards to too many.... there's a few answers that I can give which may seem vague, but they get to the point all the same. Too many partners is any number that will make a person feel ashamed of themselves. Really, its not fair for a person with one set of values to speak on behalf of all people when everyone is different. So it starts to become to much for ANYONE when they start to feel uncomfortable. There is no concrete number in this scenario.

Another such answer would be any number that makes that person's current partner feel uncomfortable, because they have to sleep with them too... and its their health on the line. Also, if the partner is uncomfortable that shows a lack of compatibility and a clashing of values.

Now, in my own personal opinion, I think anything above 25 is a lot. For me, even 15 is a lot. I don't see myself getting to that number, but that's because I'm careful and particular about who I sleep with. Some people have different personalities however and are much more sexually liberated. Some people may see sexual liberation as something to be praised, others as something shameful.... so it varies person to person. In my opinion, there's ways to be intimate and receive pleasure from a partner without sex. I've been intimate with more people than I've had sex with and thats because I know when to not give into temptation. You have to question her morals and how much she respects herself if she's willing to sleep with people that she barely knew and that she didn't set any standards for her sex partners. If she disrespects herself, can you still respect her? Thats important to think about.

Also, instead of trying to work out math problems in your head about how many a month she's had, why not ask her? She may be offended that you bring it up again, but how can she expect you to swallow such information so easily? For all you know, she could have been having a lot more than 2 a month.

Lastly, you need to make sure she is no longer promiscuous. She may tell you that, but someone who has had that many partners seems like a sex addict, and may always be promiscuous or at least be hard to get to settle down into monogamy, even if they care about you.Whether she's had 2 a month or more than 2, that high number or partners makes it seem as if she is hard to tie down into a committed relationship and that she's possibly showed little interest in them before.

I will add before I go, that I do agree with what everyone has said about bipolar disorder and sex... and that this may have been a very difficult problem for her. I'm not trying to be a total hard ass, she is in part to be sympathized with, but assess for yourself how much of her baggage you are willing to carry for her.

Misti Furr 2390

Why did you ask? If this relationship can't work based upon the present, and not the past, then you are in trouble for future relationships. What happened before led you both to what you have now--really, as long as you are both safe (everyone should get tested--you could have slept with 3 women with STDs, and she could have had the most outrageous luck to have never had a partner with STDs), then the level of your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationships are all that should matter.
If this doesn't work out--don't ever ask that question again.
btw: I had the same situation, told the guy the number, while dating him recovered a suppressed date rape experience (I was drugged), and he had the freaking gall to ask me if that was part of my original number. Not that I am classifying you as someone that clueless and heartless.
However, I really believe you were foolish as to have asked.

Matt Smalley 2345

This kinda reminds me of that Kevin Smith flick Chasing Amy.
Leave the past where it belongs, is what I always say. In the day and age, people don't like history... (will have a point) people say we learn from our mistakes, but if we don't understand them as mistakes, then how can we learn from anything. Also... I'm not a girl, I won't even begin to try and understand them, because hell, that would be asking alot of me, and I've got enough problems as it is :)

I say, hey if you like her, and she likes you, and you're not infected already. Then hey, give it a go. You know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I personally don't want to end up looking back at my life with regret at not doing something, or not giving something a try.

So I wish you the best, it kind of sounds like you already have your mind made up to give it a go, but you're just not positive how you should feel about it. I say, let the whole thing go, she's with you now, that's what matters, I'm sure she'd say that also, so none of the previous matters.

Plus they say practice makes perfect right?
------
Like a pair of Chinese Finger-cuffs...

Unknown Brain 1651

Can I have her phone number?

Laura Smith 2366

Unknown Brain 2391

You shouldn't be offended disgusted jealous or angry.....try compassionate. Bi-polar disorder can be an ugly thing when not properly diagnosed and treated. Women with the disorder when in mania have a tendancy to be impulsive and reckless then when the mania period is over the guilt settles in and the depression ensues. Chances are that she spend quite a few years thinking she was dysfunctional, broken, easy, unlovable, etc and now that she has met you she wants to be open to being cared for by someone capable of understanding what she has done is not necessarily who she is. You like her right? Then like her for who she is with you, who you have gotten to know because I am going to go out on a limb and guess that the person you now know is a more balanced, mature and wonderful young woman than the girl she once was.

Enjoy each other Anonymous....you sound like an intelligent and considerate person and you both may find that you are a good balance for one another.

Unknown Brain 1517

to me the word too many says it all. two per month in a period of seven years is too many for someone as young as she is.....out of curiosity does she even feel?

" My question is what should I do? She said that she was afraid to tell me sooner because she has had guys leave her in the
past after finding out how many partners she has had, and she did not want to lose me. This implies that she was waiting until I had a bit of time into the relationship so that I'd be less likely to leave her because of it. Was it wrong of her to not tell me before having sex with me?"


oh child, child! good lord!!!!! protect yourself!........my goodness, child! you can't have sex with someone without asking about their past!!!!...oh lord!!! I'm still in shock!

stick with her, get tested with her, show her some love and acceptance...she needs it. be the one to change her life. it was wrong for her to not tell you and for you to not have asked sooner....ooohhh, my sweet lord jesus! I'm still in shock!

"When we were talking about it I told her that I would try not to judge her because of her past mistakes and she got upset about the fact that I called them mistakes. She says it has made her who she is today and she doesn't regret any of it. Is it wrong of me to use the word mistakes in this case?"

no. apparently you don't even know her. how would you know what she considered a mistake or not?...you see what happens when passion is aroused before it desired so?....brace yourself, this is going to be a very bumpy ride!

"Should I be angry that she didn't tell me sooner?"

yes, she might be a health threat to you!

"120-150 sounds like a ridiculous number but if you consider that it was over a period of 7 years that's about 20 guys per year, or a little less than 2 per month. That makes it seem slightly more acceptable I guess."

slightly more acceptable to you if your standards are that low, but stop considering the odds and get tested!...at this point you shouldn't care if she had sex with half the world in a week what you should care for is if you have a disease in you now....B.T.W....have you seen the results with your own eyes or are you blindly trusting in her. remember that this is a serious health issue you got yourself into, so GET TESTED NOW!!!!

"Should I be offended? disgusted? jealous? angry?
Should I feel like her past actions were unintentionally and indirectly disrespectful to me today?

Please reply with any advice you can offer. I am really seriously conflicted about how to handle this. There are lots of other girls out there and this is a lot to deal with mentally/emotionally but I've gotten pretty attached to her already."

from this point on, I have no right to tell you how to feel. this is not a time for you to be feeling, but to think and act rationally ( not your heart. not your penis. your mind).

...as I said, you could stick with her but if you know that you can't handle it then don't. you sound too young to be involved in all this unnecessary drama. save yourself the pain of being with someone unstable...I've been there and it is a nightmare...let her be her therapist's business cuz' you're no Sigmund Freud.

GET TESTED NOW!!!!!