Is there anything I can do?

Is there anything I can do?

9 answers , last was 15 years ago

Here's the situation.

A female friend of mine met myself and one of my brothers friends on the same night, almost a year ago today. She and I have been good friends since then.

She was marginally interested in my brothers friend, however, and having been single for a while, essentially entered a "friends with benefits" situation with him, wherein she subsequently ended up falling for the guy, with no interest in that direction being reciprocated.

That situation went on for a while, and she was ok with things not being official so long as there was an understanding that neither would be sleeping with anyone else.

Long story short, a few months back, he did. With a 13 year old, no less. He's 19, and she's somewhat older. When this came to light, she was extremely upset.

My friend isn't stable and has suicidal tendencies. Not the all-for-show type- on more than one occasion she's been found literally on deaths door step, and been just barely resuscitated.

The earlier situation made tensions extremely high. I had a talk with the guy, and communicated to him that he needed to either shit or get off the pot- Either get serious with her, or cut things off and stop leading her on.

He agreed to stop leading her on, and they were hanging out on a friends basis ever since.

My friend communicated to me in private that yes, she still likes him, but she's still upset about what happened. She stated that she has no intentions of approaching him in a sexual manner, but confessed that she wasn't certain if she could resist if he came onto her.

Long story short, she couldn't, and that went on for a bit again, with the guy assuring me he wasn't going to do anything to hurt her... right.

Then, he did it again. Same 13 year old girl. I roughed him up a bit and told him either he was going to talk to her about it, or I was going to put him in the hospital. He said he would talk to her about it.

I find out today that last night, when he was supposed to be talking to my friend about it, he was fucking her instead.



So now I'm at somewhat of an impasse. He's not answering my calls and none of his friends are fessing up as to where he is. Even so, physical violence is likely not the best solution and doesn't address the main problem here- my friend.

On one hand, she has a right to know, considering the situation, and telling her is, from a moral standpoint, the right thing to do.

On the other hand, she has suicidal tendencies, is seriously into this guy, and well...

I'm into her, and she knows it. Because of that, my personal credibility in the matter is questionable. It's not losing her as a friend that I'm worried about- thats a sacrifice I'd be willing to make to get him away from her for good. What I'm worried about is that she won't believe me, and nothing will change- except she'll end up losing me and a number of my friends as support when she does find out, which is inevitable.

Is there anything I can do here that won't fuck her whole world up in the process?



EDIT:
Apparently I left an important part of this story out. A number of us in the know have already reported the involvement of the 13 year old in this.

However, and this is the worst part of it: When questioned by any form of authority figure, both he and the girl deny it. The 13 year old has then been known to brag about it to her friends and acquaintances.

Some of them have come forward as well, but we've been told by the police that regardless of how many people bring word of mouth testimony, if the 13 year old is denying it and there are neither witnesses nor physical evidence, theres no case.

In retrospect, I suppose thats an important bit to include here, but I'm more concerned with the welfare of my friend than in beating my head against a wall trying to get this guy punished through the normal channels- He'll get his, trust me on that.

I should also mention this right here- my goal isn't to get her to fall for me or anything like that. I don't believe in exploiting others during times of weakness, and moreover, I respect myself enough that I'm not willing to be a "rebound." Right now, my primary concern is to help my friend.


UPDATE (08/07/09):

The tool slipped up and they now have sufficient evidence to investigate him. My friend's doing ok for the moment. Let's just hope our legal system _works_.

Asked by Unknown Brain in Friends at 5:38pm on July 22nd, 2009
Robin Boyd 1212
Answered at 9:19am on August 28th, 2009
You seem like a nice guy Kevin. Your friend sounds to me like a raging borderline personality disordered person. If you don't know what that is, look it up in the DSM-IV and see for yourself. She needs help and lots of it. What she doesn't need is to be "rescued" by you. You may be into her, but you can't give her what she needs (no one can) and you are setting yourself up for a world of heartache. As for your brother's friend, he is lower than dirt and you should not even be associating with such scum let alone trying to track him down and teach him a lesson, as if that would help the situation.
Cut your losses. There is nothing good that will come out of this situation for you. Find yourself a nice girl without all the baggage. Your Sunday School class would be a good place to start.
Unknown Brain 2141
Answered at 7:26pm on August 6th, 2009
There's a point where you have to take a step back... assess the situation unemotionally... and realize that your (girl) friend has very deep emotional issues, and makes stupid decisions, and your (guy) friend, while maybe a fun guy, is kind of dumb and also just taking advantage of her. Which she likes. I would say, based on your description, the best thing to do is to stop involving yourself in the situation, and let them have their little drama. 19 year olds who sleep with 13 year olds usually do get theirs, and the girls who stay with these guys are pretty much train wrecks already.

If you really care about this girl, you need to ultimately save her from herself. Your guy friend has a part in this, but she is making these decisions willingly, and that alone makes her her own worst enemy. Stop confronting your guy friend, stop hanging out with him, stop caring about him. He's bad news. Talk to the girl, tell her you care, but she won't drag you down. If she wants to keep a friend, she needs to kick her own ass and make herself stop giving a shit about this guy too. If you lead, there's a decent chance she'll follow. If she doesn't then oh well... Move on. There are people in the world who are cool to hang out with AND don't take you on unwanted immature emotional roller coaster rides.
Unknown Brain 2031
Answered at 8:08pm on July 26th, 2009
Kevin, you are powerless to stop this. This will require: a psychiatrist, a doctor, two lawyers, four parents, two cops a judge and a jail warden to get straightened out. This might also involve 12 jurors as a topper. You are making a mistake trying to solve this. You might end up sorry or worse.. you could actually hurt the situation more than you help it. Partner.. you are out of your league here. You can report and support...
Melissa Merritt 2399 Brainpower Score Funny Brain Rebel Brain
Answered at 5:07pm on July 23rd, 2009
She (your friend) needs help--the rest of the facts of the story are irrelevant to me. Don't tell her anything that would exacerbate her depression--a new fact will not be any help to someone who is at this time having trouble with reason. In addition, I'm not seeing exactly why it is "the right thing to do." How old is your gal friend by the way? I've been there--and guess what, I was NOT in any condition to date or fuck or whatever, in the first place--regardless of if the other person was "decent" or not. Even if this guy were a perfect ANGEL, SHE SHOULD NOT BE DATING OR GETTING INVOLVED. AT ALL, PERIOD. UNTIL SHE GETS THE HELP SHE NEEDS--you said she has a history of this!! I've also been the friend of the suicidal person and, well, I had to play it by ear.


Years ago, I chose not to tell my friend's parents she had been raped at a party even though it made a NOTICEABLE increase in her depression, which she already had. I didn't like her to even be alone in her house. But I kept my mouth shut, and far as I know, the same 3 people (me, her, and her sister) are still to this day the only ones who know. 4, I guess if you include the asshole that did it. Know why? Cause her parents were NOT the type you could tell. At all. It was scary, and difficult, because something like a rape is enough to make ANYONE suicidal, and she'd already been that way. (She's doing well nowadays tho. Happily married and very into health food. Etc. ) YET I'd do it the same way all over again, cause you could NOT tell HER parents about that. "What were you doing there in the first place you little slut?" Etc. In addition there were other people who would have been in a world of trouble, NOT including the perp, whom I obviously didn't care about. (Such as underage drinking, including by her, at an "of age" person's par-tay, etc. STUPID stuff, and yet a world of trouble. No it WASN'T my party, so ya know. Nor was it my booze, etc. The point is I had nothing to lose by telling, no personal vested interest, etc. So ya know.)

AND she herself didn't want anyone being told, and in my book to blab would have violated her all over again. I would not disrespect her wishes in the name of "thinking I knew what was best for her"--that's BULLSHIT. Plus, tho u could say telling would stop him from doing it again--that is a crapshoot as well, as my other friend reported her rape like a good little girl--and got put thru the fucking RINGER. No one solution works for every situation, but all in all if the person WILL NOT get help for depression, well, all you CAN do is be there for them. That may fall short, but even the unstable person decides their destiny to a degree. Same with addiction--it's enslavement, but you can't make them quit--only they can free themselves.

And yes, the rest of the situation IS just "incidental" details to me--when one has suicidal tendencies, everything will be magnified, even getting dumped, which is what this is. I mean, if she got fired from her job, and got suicidal, you wouldn't go after her boss "because of what it did to her," would you? She's the one that needs help, badly, and I SO have been there! May be controversial on my part but I think the 13 year old, frankly, sounds like she can handle herself. Many 30 year olds do and say the EXACT same things as she, (she sounds like someone at the friggin office!)--and the only difference is they are not being questioned by cops. I would focus on the real issue here which is that you HAVE A SUICIDAL FRIEND. That's all you need to help with. Situational facts are irrelevant with something like that--sorry, that's whut I think. A suicidal friend means a suicidal friend. And ya treat it as such. Best of luck! :(
Amy Johnston 2055 Buddha Brain
Answered at 2:08am on July 23rd, 2009
I would say that you need to tell her the truth. If this a**hole isn't willing to, you need to. When she realizes that you're telling the truth, she will need a friend to lean on. Although you said that you aren't willing to be a rebound, and that is very honorable, you may find that your relationship with her could turn to something other than friendship. Either way, she will need you to be there for her. As far as the 13 year old, nobody can force her to tell the truth, unfortunately. You should really do everything in your power to keep this guy as far away from your friend as possible because he obviously is only interested in hurting her.
Jim Williams 2367 Buddha Brain Funny Brain Rebel Brain
Answered at 11:33pm on July 22nd, 2009
Find out who the 13 year old girls parents are and give them all the information they need to prosecute this low life. Friend or friend of a friend makes no difference, it's just wrong. Make no attempt to contact or have anything to do with this..... thing....guy...perv.... whatever he may think he is. Be there for your lady friend and help her through it. Eventually she will see how much of a blind fool she was and need your support.

Her suicidal tendencies aside, she will need your support and stability to counter any thoughts she may have in that direction. She will likely become attached to you over all of this but, I'm sure you are strong enough to resist and ensure that she is dealing with it rather than covering it up with another relationship. If she is that unstable perhaps it will be the best time to suggest some professional help for her.

It's a fucked up situation all round. More than one person is going to end up severely hurt over this. Best thing you can do is be there to help pick up the pieces after the shit hits the fan.
Unknown Brain 1248
Answered at 10:09pm on July 22nd, 2009
Oh My God, I've never heard such a story!

Well, first of all, that man shouldn't be walking around free sleeping with whoever he wants whenever he wants! If you were a responsible person, you would turn him in immediately!
The 13 year old is a minor, and he's not. He would be put to jail, justice would prevail.

When it comes to your friend, well she needs serious help. If you really care about her, provide her with some help, that's what you can do, and be there for her!
But a person who is suicidal just because a guy she likes is a jerk, well that's just insane, in that case all women would be suicidal!

First of all, report the guy. When he's locked in, tell your friend about everything, pinpoint on that fact that you care about her, that you would do anything for her, that you'll always be there beside her bla bla.. Then, get her some help and be there for her all the time!!

Eventually, and you'll see my friend, she will not only fall for you, but she will come to appreciate you in a whole new manner!

And even if she doesn't, you've been her "friend" for more than a year, so you're used to it :)
And the important thing is for her to be stable and happy, right?

Good luck to you my friend! You're in for a difficult mission!
Sarika Kulkarni 2092
Answered at 9:48pm on July 22nd, 2009
This would sound ridiculous.. situation u tell is already fucked up... so let the cats out of the bag.. whatever is to happen will happen.. not now but maybe later..

make the picture black and white..
Kathleen O'Brien Williams 1642
Answered at 8:59pm on July 22nd, 2009
The bigger question here is "Why is your male friend still walking around" and not in jail. . No disrespect Kevin but your "girl friend" troubles sound like mickey mouse bullshit compared to having sex (even if it was concentual most places would call that rape) with a 13yr old child. Wow! Sorry I can't answer your question I can't get past the rape of a child part.
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